Dear all,

And especially the lovely people of Feltham. And in particular my wonderful granddaughter Emmah.

Landscape with 3 inch brush and maximum 10 minutes - actually 8.25

Sorry Emz that I haven't posted anything. I was waiting for some good news, but have little to share. When I started this blog, I told you that I would be honest in how I was doing. I hope one day to be able to look back and say 'Wow, did I actually get through that?' I'm not sure whether I would read it back. It's just a horror story. This week has been the worst of my life. I had hoped that, with the end of the radiation and chemo that things would improve, but I had been warned that they would get worse before they got better. I have until Dec 9 to build up my strength to have a kidney removed. If I am not well enough the operation has less chance of success, or may be postponed. Postponement is not a good choice, as this thing could start to spread itself at any moment. The bowel tumor should be ok for a while with the massive radio and chemo, but neither of these have any effect on kidney cancer which can only be dealt with by tin-opener and reversed-pronged fork. I live now in a very narrow world, somewhere between acute discomfort and real pain. When I started this treatment, I was full of bravado. I can take it, bring it on. Let’s see where the men are! Stiff upper lip, we British chaps, what! Now it is not so easy. I could face the uncertainty and the danger, but it is hard when that is coupled with this appalling nausea and stinging acid diarrhea and the awful pain that brings, sometimes every few minutes. If you’re going to get cancer, and one in three of you will, please don't get this one! At night I think of fields and flowers, trees and mountains. People running and laughing.  All that is now the unreal. What is real is a world of chemicals, embarrassment, nausea and just hanging on. For some reason, the Astronauts Poo now makes me sick, but it is in fact the best thing for me and I can't take the stuff anymore. I went down from 84 to 71 kilos in two or three weeks, surviving on bananas and cornflakes. Thinks are looking a bit better today (Thursday Dec 2). Tuesday was a great day. Merel and I did our homework for the Crejat Academie and these are truly magic moments. I have missed two weeks but Merel faithfully takes notes and does the work. I include a picture of Merel's fish. Task - paint a fish with a big brush and with a minimum of brushstrokes. I also like her 'Apple with minimum brushstrokes but showing the structure in the technique.' These are 3 second paintings and I love them.

The homework project was 'A landscape using a 3 inch brush in 10 minutes max. Mine took just over 8. I quite like it, but I am not sure what it actually is. Blue and green mountains with some fog in between or perhaps the sea is in the sky. With only 10 minutes there is not a lot of thinking. I can't wait to get back to the lessons myself, but that will take a while. We haven't been out with the horse; I'm not really up to that yet. Spent an afternoon of peace and contentment with Irene drinking tea with honey. Just needed oranges that come all the way from china. Fighting her own battle with cancer, but still with so much over to give to others. If I get through this, I will owe much to the inspiration and love that radiates from this courageous lady. 

Back to the morbid, and forgive me if my humour is a bit on the black side at the moment.....I have not thought about death in any sense of fear, but from a practical point of view, one does not want to leave a mess for others, things that should have been signed, won't happen but just case etc. I had a dream about my own funeral and it shocked me, not that I were dead but because of the music they played - 'Country Roads', 'Me and Bobby McGee',  Mr Bo Jangles' and 'Amazing Grace'. In 1975 I met a young lady called Grace in the Leidseplein who was known as Amazing Grace. Enough said. Anyhoo, let it be known that Julie Miller singing 'All my tears' and anything by Kieran Halpin will be grand. It won't happen, but just in case. I remember the funeral of Cliff Jackson, all gospel and nearer my god to thee. Just what he hated. Pink Floyd and Thin Lizzy, was his own choice, but not allowed.

I thought I should make a will, but I have nothing much to leave except my mortgage and there won't be a fight for that. I tried to write a formal stuffy English Last Will and Testament of....but it came out as Last Willy and Testicles of...... 

I have gained weight! I still look like shit in the mirror, but I could get work in the theatre while my appearance is not so hot. John of Gaunt in Richard II perhaps, or a member of Davy Jones crew in Pirates of the Caribbean. The radiation has left a huge dark area around my nether regions which I hope will be gone before next summer when I get out my surfboard and Speedo.  A dark circle over my bum. 'Inspector, there’s a bare-arsed streaker! Shall I arrest him sir?' 'Let him go, sergeant. Looks like he censored himself'.  Unfortunately the dark area extends under and over the last will and testicles. Like a cluster of little aubergines. Good heavens, what a load of crap I do write! I hope not too many people read this outside the fam! Anyway Emmah and Ruth  and all, thanks for all your love and messages on Bookface. And love to Hilde and Michelle. Sorry I can't always get to the phone or stay on it too long. Your love warms me.

Gotta go. See you after the op next week.

Bye 

 XXXXXXXX


Friday Dec 3


This has been a great, great day! I have not had a single bout of dire straights all day, nor have I crept under a blanket. This morning I drove Emma to school in Bernadet's car (she having entrained to Nijmegen for a meeting for Very Important Personell about matters of Great Moment), charged up the battery on my elderly Ford Ka, put a new draught-excluder on the back door, sorted out my Crejat Academie project book, and ATE STUFF.
Did more shoppping, ATE MORE STUFF. Stayed out of bed all day and got on with things. And to crown it all, went to Irene's for dinner and enjoyed a wonderful meal. Rice, Chinese veggies and rakes of enormous prawns. Followed by blackcurrent yoghurt. 2 days ago I could not have looked at a photo of this. Today I was HUNGRY. O joy! I feel a bit gutty at the moment, probably because my entrails are saying 'Whoa, is this what we think it is? Looks and tastes and smells like FOOD. Anyone know how to deal with this stuff; it's been a while.....'
But if I have to take a step back to get another two forward, then thats just fine. I feel GOOD.


PS I do so worry about the five-headed fly back at the MCA. Can't fly anymore, just rolls around on his eyes like a blackberry.