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Wednesday Oct 6 2010

Sorry I got the day wrong yesterday. It was of course a Tuesday and not a Monday as first told. Many thanks for all the kind words, jokes whatever from our readers. And Doug and Irene. Stef, please tell young Jasmin that I am thrilled to be a candidate for her "Nephrectomy One Kidney Club". If my granddaughter can get by from birth with only one kidney, then I can certainly manage it. Jazz, it is the right kidney, hope that wont disqualify me! I love the stoma jokes, especially sticking pipes in it and playing 'something that smells Scottish' from Sara! I nearly died laughing at that one. I would love to have said I shit myself laughing, but .... Anyway Sara, it is kind of you to go out looking for shoes to match my bag, but I have no idea what colours they come in. I'll be happy with anything except one of those cheap transparent ones! It is also fantastic that people are filling USB sticks with music and humour to help pass the time in hospital. What a warm gesture! 

Anyway, not much to report. We were due to see the urologist today about the removal of my kidney. We came in separate cars as Bernadet was at work this morning. I was bored in the waiting room, and leafed through some women's magazines. There were lots of recipes, but it all looked like steak-and-kidney pie. We went to see the kidney man and his young assistant. Why do all these specialists have young blond females as assistants? Status? Anyway, he said he would not be doing the operation himself, but another doctor. The other doctor, he said, has a diploma. In case the thought that he might be a plumber earning some extra cash in his spare time might cross my mind. He described, enthusiastically and in Technicolor detail, what would happen to me, Several holes will be made in my belly, one for the camera, some for the 'tools' and one, disturbingly, for the air pump. Air pump? Oh, yes, we need space to work, so you will be 'inflated'. He demonstrated with his arm how that would be. Michelin man, make way, you're history. Everything will be performed by things that can pass through one centimeter holes, while the surgeon controls it all on a computer screen, like those robot car factories on Discovery Channel. The kidney, once separated, wilI fall into the abyss. A larger hole will then be made to retreive it. If you have ever tried to win a watch or a teddy-bear at the fairground with one of those little cranes, then what chance one may ask with a slippery wet kidney. They'll probably give up and roll me over and shake it out.  l hope his version of Windows is in a better state than that on Ruth's computer. He then gave us a leaflet, which outlined everything he had just told us, enthusiastically and in Technicolor detail. Bernadet and I stood up to leave and we all shook hands. Then he said 'There is one more thing' in a very serious tone. The blond assistant turned away in embarrassment. Bernadet and I both paused, not daring to breathe. Here it comes I thought. OK, tell me the worst, doc, I can take it. He leaned forward and whispered 'Your flies are undone'. 

I was laughing so much people must have thought I had just heard that it was all a mistake as we made our way to the next call, the anesthetist. First on to the bed for a cardiogram (no, Sara, not a woolly jacket for an ancient record-player) and then to meet the man himself. He was alone, not far enough up the food chain to warrant a blond assistant. He explained a lot of stuff which really did not sink in, and then gave us a leaflet that said word for what he had just said. Last call to a frosty woman who needed details for the operation. Without a hello or introduction she began her prepared speech and verbal questionnaire. She nearly bit Bernadet‘s head off when she wanted to know about times to phone....'Perhaps if you listen instead of interrupting....' We left without getting a handshake or goodbye or even the information Bernie wanted. This is the first time I have come across a miserable person amongst these hardworking, dedicated people in the hospital.

I have just been called to say that: 

- 13 October - Radiation begins

- 19 October - Chemo begins

What with the kidney-ectomy due at any moment, I am getting quite popular at the MCA. I can foresee an embarrassing scene as my bed is fought over by competing teams. "No! we saw him first". 

Heart-warming moments to share with older brothers and sisters: 

- Merel says she will take my art Class on Friday if I can't make it. She knows how much it means to me and offered to sit in and take notes, and to deliver my homework and collect next week's.  

- Emma, beavering away at her homework and earning praise for her industry - "I want to do well for you". 

I seem to have something in my eye. Pass me a tissue, would you?

Off to do the shopping and get the dinner started. 

Love you all, and I feel your love. 

PS Prizes are on offer for the best stoma joke! 






Living with a stoma . . . . . . . . .