Friday December 14

I am alone in my misty happiness. Everyone has gone to bed and I shall shortly join the comatose. I can barely see the screen. This has been one of those days to look back on. At the end of life one will not be looking back at all, but today is not yet. Today I am still at phase 3 out of 4 and that means I have still time. Each time this happens, I think what shall I do different from the last time? How will I spend my precious time better? Nearer to Thee, will I think of things Celestial? Is God waiting to embrace me while he let me see so much that he could have negated while I lived? Do I stll believe in Him? I think not, but I stll give Him a big 'H' out of respect for the idea of Him. We need something but we should call him Something  with a big 'S' that undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns etc etc. I have been dying and nearly dying too long and too many times. Now I want to live and do what has to be done. I want to write and paint and draw and be with my children and the children of them, and what comes after is of little concern because it is not of now and is nefarious and I am sorry for the people who believe that there is more, but if there is more and there is a plan then what is the point of now for me, the fortunate, and for others, the desperate. It is all so unfair.I have had many lives and have been blessed while others have had few and have not been so. Am I a good man? No, but I havn´t done anyone harm is the best I can say of myself. Not enough. I must hunger and thirst after righteousness.....Sorry, I have had a lot to drink and am just rambling on. I love my children and all my fantastic family, I love my wife and I am glad that I am still alive,and alive means being without the dark shadow looming over me. I am looking for someone to thank, but iI suppose it will have to be you, my precious ones. God bless you all, whatever He may be, because He must be there in some form to make me feel so as I do. I shall call him Love. That I do believe in.


Be well.

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